Friday, September 26, 2014

Adventures of Fried Chicken and Pork Fat in The City of Roses.


Portland Oregon is delicious. This past weekend my bestie Lucille and I took a kamikaze road trip to the lovely city of Portland for Rose City Comic Con. There was lots of cosplay and comics and oh yes, lots of tasty food. We packed up the rental Mini Coup with our costumes and beef jerky and headed out bright and early (so frickin' early) Sunday morning. Before we even made it to the highway I decided I need Mcdonalds breakfast (my addiction to fast food is my business) consisting of sausage and cheese biscuit sandwiches and an ungodly amount of their crack filled hashbrowns. I was fueled up and ready to rock (perhaps it was the gallon of Coke I drank). After a couple of hours of driving and singing Cure and Sisters of Mercy songs at the top of our lungs we finally arrived. We changed in a parking lot and stormed the convention center. I was dolled up as Death and Lucille was Dream, both from Neil Gaiman's Sandman. It was super fun.

After the con we checked into our fancy room at The Hotel Deluxe (one of my fave hotels). A quick fancy cocktail in their cute lounge the Driftwood Room (it was awesome until we got swarmed with a wedding party). Then off to dinner. I was famished.


Lardo: Sandwiches and pints of beer. Perfection. We both got the Porchetta sandwich. One of the best things I have ever put in my mouth. It was so simple: porchetta, caper mayo, gremolata, crusty bread. I took a bite as the grease ran down my arm and I squealed like a kitten. OMFG. Fatty porky goodness with salty caper and acidic herbs. I contemplated buying a few more to bring back to the hotel room but by the end I was so full I thought I had died and gone to pork fat heaven. I don't think Lucille and I spoke the entire time except for the occasional "mmmmm" and "Oh my god so good". The people next to us probably thought we were creepy as hell but I really didn't care. I was having a moment. There was only sandwich. I have now changed my religion to The Church of Sandwich. Oh yeah, we got some yummy pints of cider to wash it down. I dreamt of that thing all night long. Life will never be the same. I wonder if the kind folks at Lardo will mail me sandwiches? I must have them.



Pine State Biscuits: The next morning we headed out to Alberta street and lined up for one of my favorite breakfasts anywhere. The Reggie Deluxe is perfection on a plate and since I was still on my Gravy & Fried Meat Diet™ I could not come to Portland without eating at least one of these heavenly creatures. It starts with a perfect buttermilk biscuits sandwiched around deliciously moist and crunchy fried chicken, gooey cheese, salty fried egg, and a creamy and sausagey country gravy. We also ordered a side of more gravy to pour over the top which was a total win for us. "Goddamn that's fucking delicious!" Lucille exclaimed. She then yelled to the dudes cooking behind the counter "You guys are wizards!" They appreciated the comment. I fully agree. There must be some kind of black magic involved in such a perfect breakfast sandwich. Somebody's soul was sold for sure.



After drinking off the remaining gravy we went for a walk down Alberta and came across one the cutest little candy shoppes ever called Candy Babel. The lovely owner Amani Greer was so cheerful and sweet to us. We chatted and tried candy and had a brief but wonderful time. You must go there, she will definitely put a smile on even the saddest of goth faces and make you feel like the world is not completely lost. I got a bag of mixed gummi candies including grapefruits, peaches, chicken feet, brains, and worms. Lucille got a cute vintage tin and she threw in a free chocolate. So amazing. This place is so rad and needs to exist forever.


Portland was awesome as usual but as all fun things have to end so did our little mini-vacation. Besides, I was severely missing my adorables wife. We hopped in the car, blasted Birthday Massacre, drank energy drinks, and sped home. On the way we watched a car exploded into flames on the side of the road, made friends with a motorcycle guy who tailed us forever (we named him Derick), and most importantly, we stopped off at the strange little army base town of Lakewood, WA for some chicken.

Popeyes, Louisiana Kitchen is the bomb. Southern fast food at it's best. I had been craving Popeyes since the last time I stopped to get some over 10 years ago. Why did I wait so long? What the hell is wrong with me? So good. Spicy chicken strips, Cajun fries, buttery biscuits, and tons of different sauces. Oh yeah. It was as good as I remember it being. We finished up and rolled out the door tired and full. Mission accomplished. We safely arrived home and that night I dreamt about fried chicken and pork fat. Ya know, life aint' so bad sometimes. xoxo


Oh yeah, at one point during the trip we drank lots of hard ciders and ate a stale bag of Sabroso Pork Cracklings that came with a salsa packet. The guy from the minimart said he just watched a guy leave with a case of beer but he couldn't do anything about it. I said "That sucks, I'm sorry that happened". He said "It's okay, at least it's better than the other day when some mean guy came in and punched me in the face." Fair enough dude. I hope your week get's better. 




Wednesday, September 10, 2014

My Beef is Better Than Your Beef.


Every culture has it's own version of barbecued meat. In the states, pretty much every city (especially in the south) claims to have invented the meaty practice (I'm pretty sure Captain Caveman and the like figured it out long before that). Let's see, what kinds of BBQ are there:

Texas is BOLD with their smoked beef ribs and steers, beers, and brisket.
The Carolinas brings in the tangy pulled pork with vinegary dosed, nasal clearing sauce.
Memphis has the spicier ribs and sandwiches serve up on a Mystery Train.
Kansas City's got some sweet, saucy rib tips. Am I the only one who felt uncomfortable just now?
California smokes it's chickens and makes briskets on the Santa Maria.
Washington smokes salmon and trout on wooden planks. It also legally smokes other things.
Hawaii roasts whole pigs wrapped in banana leaves. Sometimes, they eat fire too.
etc... Don't cry because I left you out. I'm sure your BBQ is nice. Take a Valium and relax.

As far as other countries, let's see:

Canada: Just kidding, I love you but you're not known for your barbecue. You invented poutine though and for that you are my hero. (Also, I just wanted to give a shout out to my Québécois peeps.) xoxo

Mexico: Barbacoa and Adobada and all the other delicious things that are perfect in a taco. Damn I need some tacos now. Damn you tacos, stop taunting me!

Japan: Yakitori is perfect. Roasting meaty things like chicken skin and hearts over charcoal on little sticks. Yum. Skin. Hearts. Sometimes, I like to make chicken skin lamps and dresses. Oh, haha just kidding. Yeah. Oishii!

Lebanon (and many other Middle Eastern countries): Shawarma and kofta and other delicious fire roasted beasts. Even The Avengers love shawarma.

Greece: Souvlaki and gyros. Food of the gods. Especially Hades. He loves gyros.

Korea: Bulgogi. Sweet and spicy marinated beef seared off to delicious perfection. Sometimes at restaurants, they let you grill it yourself on a fiery pit in the middle of the table. It is dangerous and fun. The danger makes it taste even better.

Okay, you get my point. There are lots of variations on meat + fire = tasty in my mouth. Everybody has a version (yes, even you Canada). When people claim they have the best this dish or that dish it annoys the crap out of me. You can't really compare it. It's all preference. I like pretty much all food. Except for the food I don't like. Catch my drift? You know.

So yeah, anyways, I made some Bulgogi 불고기. Korean grilled marinated beef served with grilled onions, kimchi, and steamed rice. Simple. Tasty. Aside from the marination time it only takes about 2ne1 minutes to prep and about 4Minute to cook. Wink wink.


Bulgogi 불고기

1lb thinly slice sirloin

4 cloves garlic, minced
3 Tbsp soy sauce
1 Tbsp Gochujang, Korean chili paste (or use Sriracha or something similar)
1 Tbsp sugar
1 Tbsp honey
1 Tbsp fresh Asian pear juice (put peeled/seeded pear in a blender and strain)
1 Tbsp Mirin, rice wine
1 Tbsp sesame oil
3 green onions, thinly sliced on bias
1 tsp fresh cracked black pepper

Thoroughly mix all of the marinade ingredients. Thinly slice the beef against the grain. Marinate overnight.

On an outdoor grill or grill pan over high heat. Sear the beef for 2-4 minutes or until fully cooked. Serve with rice and kimchi and listen to K-Pop and drink a few Hite beers. Oh yeah. xoxo

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Sovereign State: Burma

Burma

The Menu:
Ngapi Kyeik (Shrimp paste condiment with fried garlic, scallion, and green chilies)
Thanhat (Cold cucumber salad with sesame and lime)
Ohn-No Khao Swè (Spicy coconut chicken curry over egg noodles)
Jet-U Jhet (Blistered hard-cooked eggs with chilies, tomato, and fish sauce)



Okay I'm skipping quite a few countries on my super fancy, new and improved Sovereign State tour fun time show for this one here. It was time sensitive and we'll be returning to your regularly scheduled program shortly (aka don't get your undies in a bunch). As a wise man named Frankie once said: "Relax". See this: Sovereign States

My best friend Lucille is Burmese. Her parents were Burmese rebels who along with many other students, scholars, and free thinkers fought back against the tyranny of the military dictatorship that has ruled the country for decades. Long story short, they fled being captured and killed by walking through the mountains and escaped into Thailand. (Flash forward 20+ years later.) A few years back, my wife and I met the charming little creep called Lucille at her work while shopping for spooky monster dresses. She was sad but cheerful at the same time and apparently surviving off of undercooked lentils and Batman cartoons. She realized that I made tasty food and had a steady supply of vodka and before we knew it she was at our flat everyday, just in time for dinner. Not long after that she brought over everything she owned and happily formed a nest in our dining room. We've all become a very close little family. Her mother always says "Without Violet, you dead." Life can be very strange sometimes.

Sadly, when you say the word Burma, most people have no clue what or where it is. It's a whole country. In South-East Asia. Between India and Thailand. People need to look at a map once in a while. It's a big world we live in. There's more than "Merica and that country below us with the tasty tacos and that country above us with all the hockey.  Burma has officially changed it's name to The Republic of Myanmar to escape the ill thoughts of bloodshed that people associate with Burma. The government may have changed the name but most of it's people haven't.

Anyways, this year on the 8th of August we decided to celebrate Burma and to pay homage the brave people fighting for freedom in the infamous 8888 Uprising and still today. I researched as much as possible on Burmese cuisine and racked Lucille's brain for her mothers recipes. I cooked a feast and made her a t-shirt based off the 8888 protest flags and then we watched the amazing film The Lady (2011) based on the story of Aung San Suu Kyi, leader of the Burmese National League for Democracy. I cooked all day in the sweltering summer heat and we ate until our stomachs nearly exploded. After dinner Lucille got teary eyed and said "It tasted like my mom's cooking." I was so glad everything turned out delicious. Not that I enjoy making Burmese girls cry (well, maybe sometimes) but I was excited to help her connect to the country that runs through her blood. Okay enough with the sentimentality. Let talk food, shall we?

I always cook with a martini in hand. Just in case.

Ngapi Kyeik (Shrimp paste condiment with fried garlic, scallion, and green chilies)
I was seriously surprised how much I like this condiment. It's salty and sour and not fishy at all. Hell, I'd put it on everything. Pizza, cheeseburgers, ice cream. Everything.

Thanhat (Cold cucumber salad with sesame and lime)
This salad was probably my least favorite dish I made. It was tasty but a little too sweet for my palate. Plus I hate when sesame seeds get stuck between my teeth. Then I spend the rest the night picking my at my mouth with a steak knife. It's dangerous. It was nice to have a cold refreshing bite while eating the other hot salty foods though. 



Ohn-No Khao Swè (Spicy coconut chicken curry over egg noodles)

My favorite dish of the night. It was super velvety and savory like a cozy poultry blanket. I kept calling it coco-sghetti (coconut spaghetti, get it?) because it was comfortable and familiar like a bowl of spaghetti but with Burmese flavors. Sourness from the lime and fresh coriander, salty from the fish sauce and chicken stock, spicy from the paprika and chili flakes, chickeny from the yummy chicken thighs, and a hint of sweetness from the coconut milk. I wanted to eat it forever until I die. So good.



Jet-U Jhet (Blistered hard-cooked eggs with chilies, tomato, and fish sauce)
Hardboiled eggs deep fried until the whites get all blistery and then simmered in a salty spicy tomato sauce. Hell yes. Sign me up. This was a perfect accompaniment for the Ohn-No Khao Swè. I loved the crackly skin of the eggs soaking up all the salty goodness. Yum.


So yeah, Burma is freaking delicious. I have a feeling I'll be cooking a lot more of it in my future.


Ohn-No Khao Swè (Coconut Chicken Noodle)
1 large white onion, halved and sliced
1 inch chunk of ginger, peeled & minced
6 cloves of garlic, peeled and minced
2 shallots, minced
2 spring onions, sliced
16oz package egg noodles (I used these)
2lbs de-boned chicken thighs, thinly sliced
2 tablespoons chickpea flour
14oz coconut milk
3 tablespoons chili flakes
3 tablespoons paprika
1 lime, sliced into wedges
2 eggs (I just used the eggs from the Jet-U Jhet)
2 cups chicken stock (or bouillon)
1 Tbsp fish sauce
1 bunch fresh coriander (cilantro)
crushed peanuts
peanut oil

Heat a 1 Tbsp peanut oil to a large saute pan over medium high heat,.

Add the white onion, garlic, ginger, and spring onions to the oil and cook until translucent (5 mins or so).

Transfer to a blender or food processor and pulse until it forms a paste.

Add another Tbsp of peanut oil to the hot pan and saute the chicken thighs (season with a little salt) until cooked through and slightly browned.

Stir in the chili flake and paprika and stir until fragrant (1 minute).

Add the onion paste and stir.

Whisk the chickpea flour with the chicken stock and then add to the pan. 

Add the fish sauce and coconut milk. 

Bring to a simmer and turn down the heat to medium. Simmer for 45 minutes to an hour uncovered. Add water if it thickens too much. Season with more fish sauce if needed.

Meanwhile in a large pot of boiling salted water, cook the noodles until soft. Drain.

Thinly slice the shallots and soak in a little cold water. Drain.

To serve place the egg noodles in bowl, then ladle the coconut chicken over. 

Top with the sliced shallots, Hard cooked eggs (cut in half), crushed peanuts, fresh coriander and lime wedges. 

Kan kaung ba zay! Good luck. xoxo



Wednesday, May 21, 2014

She's Chopping Broccoli.



When I was little all I ever wanted to eat was meat. I had no time for vegetables. I was like a wild little wolf cub gnawing on cold hot dogs and lunch meat. It's not that I disliked vegetables but I just craved carrion. Sometimes I would walk on all fours and growl at my mother. "I need more meat!" I'd say in my raspy little voice. She would just give me that motherly "what the hell is wrong with my child?" sort of look and pull out some more ham slices from the fridge. I'd snatch it from her hands and run laughing out of the room. She knew that it was better to indulge me rather than stir up even more insanity on my end. I truly am amazed that she didn't smother me lifeless or drop me off in the middle of the Georgian Blue Ridge mountains and leave me to be the crazy little beast that I was. Though I must admit that it was my dream to live in the wilderness and live off the land like a wildling. I would make friends with wolves and bears and we'd hunt together. It would've been great.

I'm not going to lie. I still eat the occasional raw hot dog though I rarely scurry around on all fours while growling anymore. Now I eat my cold meat products all sophisticated and lady-like (delicately with pinkie in the air). Speaking of sentient creatures I also eat the occasional cold plant/vegetable (do pickles count?). I mostly prefer cooked veggies to raw ones (except for tomatoes and radishes). Every two weeks I get a New Roots delivery of small farm, organic vegetables delivered right to my door. I love it. It challenges me to cook with things I don't normally go out of my way to purchase. I try to have the same principals with vegetables as I do with meat. Nose to tail or tip to stem. Use it all. Waste not and all that. We hit broccoli season a little early this year so we started getting it in our bin. Most people just use the end little florets but the stems are so delicious it's a shame to waste them. Peel them, slice them, and cook them. Yummy.

So the other day I was standing in the kitchen, eating a slice of ham wrapped around a pickle while staring at my abundance of broccoli and I thought "I'm going to make something super fucking delicious out of you". And I did so. I made Yakisoba with Broccoli Pesto and Steamed Broccoli Florets with Pickled Egg. It's pretty easy and super tasty. Your vegan (if you leave off the egg) friends will be impressed and your meat eater friends with look at you sadly but then be pleasantly surprised that broccoli can be so delicious.



Yakisoba with Broccoli Pesto and Steamed Broccoli Florets with Pickled Egg

8oz package of dried yakisoba noodles
1 lb. broccoli, florets and stems separated, stems trimmed and peeled
1/2 c fresh basil
3 cloves garlic
2 Tbsp fresh lemon juice
2 Tbsp soy sauce
1 tsp sesame oil
2 tsp rice wine vinegar
1 Tbsp fermented chili bean curd (if you can find it don't worry about it)
1/2 cup olive oil, plus 1 Tbsp
kosher salt and fresh cracked black pepper
pickled eggs (or thousand year eggs or basic hard cooked eggs)


In a large pot of boiling salted water add the yakisoba and boil until tender (5 mins or so). Drain, rinse with cold water, and set aside.

While the noodles are boiling saute the broccoli stems in 1 Tbsp olive oil until tender Add the whole garlic cloves and saute a few more minutes. Season with salt and pepper.

Steam the broccoli florets until just cooked and tender. Season with salt and pepper. Set aside.

In a food processor pulse the cooked broccoli stems, garlic, basil, lemon juice, soy sauce, sesame oil, rice wine vinegar, fermented bean curd, and 1/2 cup olive oil and pulse until pureed. Pour through a fine meshed sieve (use a spoon or spatula to push it through) to strain out the fibrous bits. Season with salt and pepper if needed.

Toss the yakisoba with the pesto. Top with steamed broccoli and chopped pickled egg.

Enjoy. FYI: This dish may taste even better if paired with a raw hot dog eaten in the forest. xoxox







Friday, May 2, 2014

Summer is Coming


I got the summertime, summertime sadness. S-s-s-summertime, summertime sadness. Yesterday was nearly 90F degrees here in Seattle. It's barely May. As I sat in the Chateau de Batcave (our apartment) with the worst migraine ever had, the blinds and curtains shut, crying and stewing in a puddle of my sweat I realized that I wasn't going to cook a single frickin' thing for dinner. Hell, the idea of even eating food in that kind of heat my me wanna barf and barf again. I tried to picture myself floating in a nice cool heart-shaped pool under the shade of palm trees, wearing a cute pink bathing suit and drinking a nice cold Tom Collins. Sadly the daydream would quickly skew into me sitting in a boiling hot tub while wearing a sad wool snuggie and drinking warm sandy salt water. There is no escape from that kind of ickiness. Sunny days are all fun and games until you start trying to remove your skin just to get a little bit cooler.

In the heat of Summer, salad is your friend. Fruit salad, Cobb salad, chopped salad, fried meat salad, any kind of salad that has minimal cookery and maximum tastiness. Okay, yes I cook during the normal not-trying-to-kill-you-with-hot Summer days. If you can, become one with the bats and cook nocturnally in the dark when it's cooler. You can prep for your meals so that when the sun is out full blast you don't even have to look at your oven. That infernal devil machine wants to make your living space even hotter than the nine hells. "Cook something in me." it says. "I want you to die." I hate that awful oven. I know it's plotting my demise along with the sun. They hate me and want me dead.



So anyways here's a lovely salad you can make with a little cooking (nocturnally).
Pan Seared Za'atar Lemon Chicken and Roasted Romanesco Salad

For the salad use my recipe for my Roasted Cauliflower and White Bean Salad with Truffle Parmesan Dressing but replace the cauliflower with romanesco (or use broccoli or cauliflower).

For the chicken breasts (or thighs) make sure you brine them overnight (equal parts salt and sugar about 1tbsp ea. dissolved in 2L water). Wipe them off. Dust them with za'atar (or you can go another route with curry powder), cayenne, cumin, & fresh cracked pepper (they should already be nice and seasoned with salt from the brine so no need for extra). Olive oil, hot saute pan, 3-4 minutes each side. Finish with fresh lemon juice. Let rest for 5 minutes. Slice and serve with the salad. Yum!!!

Share some salad with your new nocturnal bat friends. Be safe. Survive the Summer. xoxoxo

P.S. I know I am the princess of run-on sentences and comma misuse. Shut up. I don't come to your house while you're sleeping and point out your faults. Well, actually I do. But at least I have the courtesy to stay in the shadows and do it quietly. xo

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Fried Rice is Twice as Nice as Regular Rice.


I don't know about you but I always have leftover rice in my fridge. I love rice. Sometimes I'll just make a simple gravy or sauce and throw it over a microwaved bowl of leftover rice and top it with a fried egg. I hate brown rice though. Never liked it. No, I'm not a racist. I just hate the flavor and texture and existence of brown rice. You gots to mill that coat off. It's like eating a banana with the peel on. Ick. My favorite rices are jasmine, basmati, sticky, calrose, and good ole plain whitey white long grain rice. Although never buy that pre-boiled crap that smiley Uncle Ben tries to pass off as rice. Mushy maggots. That's what I think of when I eat minute rice.

Wanna make perfect rice? Of course you do. Here's how you do. In a pot cover the rice with running cold water and scrub with clean hands until the water gets cloudy. Drain in a colander. Repeat 3-4 times until the water is not longer cloudy. In a heavy bottomed pot with a tight fitting lid cover the rice by 1/2" with cold water. Place on stove over high heat. Add salt if you like. Bring to a boil. Cover and turn heat to very low. Leave it alone for 17 minutes. Remove from heat and fluff with a fork. That's it. You are now one with the rice gods.

So I had some leftover calrose rice the other day and decided to make South-East Asian style fried rice. I sauteed up some celery, scallions, garlic, and ginger in peanut oil. Then I added some sliced lap cheong (spicy sweet Chinese sausage) and cooked until the fat was rendered out. Tossed in the rice. Added soy sauce, chili garlic sambal, fish sauce, lime, sesame oil, and black palm vinegar. Cooked for a few more minutes and dumped it in a bowl. Topped it off with sliced avocado, pickled egg, scallions, and cilantro. It was freaking delicious and pretty easy. So the next time you have leftover rice, don't just let it sit there and make your fridge seem sad. My mother used to say "There are people starving in China." when we were kids and didn't clean our plates (although I pretty much always cleaned my plate and the plates of those around me). To which I would reply "Even though they have all that rice?". I didn't know any better. Anyways, there are people starving everywhere so use up your leftovers. Be creative. Don't be a lazy wasteful jerk. You can make delicious things out of almost everything that's slowly rotting in your fridge! Yum! xoxox

Thursday, April 10, 2014

All Aboard The Gravy Boat!


I love ugly food. Beige plates of beige food swimming in beige gravy. That's my jam. Comfort food rarely looks pretty. Even after you put a sprig of parsley on top it usually still looks like crap, just a little fancier. You know the saying "Never read a book by it's cover". Well, I never judge a plate of ugly food until I know what's hiding under the gravy. A bunch of the "chefs" on television turn their noses up at comfort food. "Oh wow, that sure looks comforting." they say fully meaning "What the hell is this pile of unsophisticated shit doing in my presence. I only eat farro and monkfish fermented with lemur urine presented in a hollowed out coconut." I hate those people. Yeah, I like fancy food too but I'm no snob. I'll happily eat a funeral casserole any day of the week.

But Violet, gravy is fattening you say. Yeah, it is. I'm not telling you to drink gravy for every meal. Use some common sense. Learn how to find balance in your damn life. Drank a boat of gravy for breakfast? Eat a salad for dinner. Easy peasy. I can't hold your hand your whole life. Life's too short to never eat anything fattening. You can diet when you're dead. Okay, maybe you're dead because you ate nothing but gravy your whole short life but who's fault is that? Like I said, common sense.

Everyone has their own version of a sandwich that is open-faced and dosed with some form of gravy. In Kentucky it's the Hot Brown. In St. Louis it's the Prosperity Sandwich. France has the Croque-Madame. When I was young my dad taught me a sandwich from his Marines/Nam days called Shit on a Shingle which is essentially chipped beef on toast covered in gravy. I was so obsessed with it I wanted it for every meal. However, my mother did not share my excitement so it was a rare treat when my dad would cook for me and my brother. I would yell "shit on a shingle!" and my dreams were often made true.


Here's my version of an open-faced turkey sandwich, hot brown, prosperity sandwich, croque-madame, and shit on a shingle all rolled up into one sandwich.

To make it. Layer these things in order on the plate. Eat. Be happy.
white toast
sliced Cajun turkey
Swiss cheese
brown gravy (1Tbsp butter + 1 Tbsp flour in a hot pan. Make a roux. Cook 3 minutes. Slowly add 2 cups beef stock. Add salt, lots of fresh pepper. hot sauce. Cook until gravy)
fried egg
parsley (for pretty)

xoxo