Saturday, May 22, 2010

Are you gonna eat that?

Okay, so I've decided to scour the world wide interwebs for you lovely readers to hunt down some of the most heart attack inducing, artery clogging, monstrosities the food world has to offer.  But here's the thing.  I'm sort of an closet garbage eater.  I would totally eat some of this food.  Ya know, if it wasn't made of zombie chicken parts and slaughter house floor scrapings.  Sure, it's a hard job and some of this stuff looks a bit vulgar and overindulgent but just think of me as one of those wacky Food TV/Travel Channel jerk offs (you know, like a sickly looking, bald doughy- faced guy or a rock n' roll wannabe, Nascar lovin' good ole boy, hair gel addict that can't seem to work a bleach kit properly).  Like the ones that yell a lot and eat the most WILD and WACKY and OUTRAGEOUS things the dregs of the culinary world has to offer.  I want to provide you with some of that very same gut busting, eye searing, colon clogging knowledge minus the screaming and squirming. Get ready for AWESOME!!!

#1 The Hudson Hangover - Hudson Tavern, Hoboken New Jersey

A Hamburger Today reader Brian H found this lovely beast at the Hudson Tavern over in Hoboken, New Jersey. It figures that such a beautiful,zinz (Jersey slang for cool) creature would come from New Jersey. It's not officially on their menu but if you ask nicely...who knows. It is made of two bacon grilled cheese sandwiches for buns, a beef patty topped with more cheese and bacon, and a fried egg.  This is one of those things that sounds so extremely wrong but for some reason I need to put it in my mouth.  You know you're not going to feel good after eating it but you can't seem to stop yourself. It's true you know, a fried egg on top of anything makes it more delicious.

#2 The Garbage Plate - Nick Tahou Hots, Rochester, New York

How can you resist anything called a plate of garbage?  I know I can't. This is like the bastard child of of an Irish breakfast and Hawaiian moco loco (breakfast of a burger patty cover in gravy and fried eggs with macaroni salad).  It sure ain't pretty but I'd eat it in a heart beat. The Nick Tahou garbage plate is basically home fries or French fries, macaroni salad, and baked bean plus your choice of meats (such as red hots, white hots, cheeseburger, Italian sausage, fried haddock, chicken tenders, ham steaks, or fried eggs) topped with spicy mustard, chopped onions, and the signature Nick Tahou's meaty chili-esque hot sauce. Imagine the drunkest person ever cooking dinner for you. This is probably close to what they would try to make for you. Only you'd never get to eat it because before they finished cooking it they would pass out and set the house on fire.

#3 The T-Rex Poutine - La Banquise, Montreal, Quebec

Does poutine really need to be anymore insane than it already is?  According to my wacky French Canadian brethren at La Banquise, there is no such thing as "too much". Just look at their menu. I couldn't even decide if this was the most OUTRAGEOUS poutine they have to offer. Poutine itself, in it's most pristine form is still a plate of starchy, greasy, overindulgence. Crispy French fries covered in gravy and melted cheese curds should do the trick, but no, lets cover that with minced meat, pepperoni, bacon, and smoked sausages. That there is a T-Rex my friends. Make sure you get your heart rate checked before trying to consume this. Do a artery cleanse and hook yourself up to an slow drip IV of blood thinners because if this doesn't put you in a coma, you ain't going nowhere for a while. Just load up the season one DVD of Mama's Family and try your best to digest without falling asleep. Oh, and have a few gallons of water next to your couch because you are going to be so thirsty after building this salt factory in your stomach. Yes, the T-Rex seems delicious but you need to get prepared before embarking on such a challenge. Stop poutine related injuries!

#4 The El Niño Pizza Taco - Anywhere USA

This horrific yet intoxicating mix of two of my favorite foods was submitted to the hilarious blog This is Why You're Fat by the sick, genius minds of Joshua Krezinski, Andrew Chifari, Manny Gardberg, and Sarah Morrison. This here is three whole pounds of taco packet seasoned ground beef, sauteed onions, sour cream, lettuce, tomato and cheddar cheese wrapped in a tasty large pepperoni pizza. I can't believe Taco Hut or Pizza Bell didn't think of this first. Clearly they are hiring people with no eye for the future. Somebody get these kids a marketing job stat! You know, many times I've found myself saying "Self, I wish I had some tacos and a pepperoni pizza to wash it down with." So what do I do? I spend a fortune on delivery pizza and hopefully it's a Tuesday so I'm able to get some tacos in this town. Not anymore. The time is now for getting exactly what I want, how I want it, and when I want it. If my early teen year fast food jobs have taught me anything, it's that the customer is always right. Even the inbred ones that "accidentally" stab their deformed face with a sharp plastic spork drawing blood and then frantically spilling their gallon sized "suicide" soda on baby Bobby-Jo juniors lap (true story). So the next time I roll up to one of those Taco Hut hybrids I'm going to demand an El Niño Pizza Taco.  And I better not drop any on my lap or I'll sue the hell out of them.  True dat!

#5 The Stoner Dog - Amsterdam, NL – L’Amour Bakery, Pizza, and Hot Dogs

Amsterdam is known as the playground for dumb American stoner dudes looking to get high and pay for sex in public without obtaining a cozy prison cell. Fair enough, but I just have to say that even though I don't smoke pot anymore (I'm paranoid without any help), if I did I sure wouldn't want to get high in some crowded hippie cafe. I'd want to be on my couch with a person that was actually attracted to me with a table covered in tasty pizzas and hot dogs. Hot dogs are also one of my favorite foods (I'm a Queens girl, what do ya expect?), even when I'm sober. Over in the Netherlands, they have figured out a way to fuel frat boy potheads for a night of yelling "Wooooo!" and puka shell necklace shopping. The ultimate Stoner Dog here Croissanterie l'Amour is a 7" skinless hot dog (made by the powers of advanced meat recovery) in a toasted bun, topped with pizza sauce, peppers, onions, sausage, meatballs, pepperoni , and sharp Dutch cheese. You can also get them with different topping such as ham and pineapple (which I think is disgusting on pizza so I don't think it would be any better on a hot dog). The yummiest acid reflux I will ever have. Get one of each and try to go for a bike ride. It's funny!

Stayed tuned for part two of Yummy Food That'll Kill Ya! Only here, on The Hunger Network. xoxo



Michelle Auer said...

I hate to sound like a fat girl, but I would TOTALLY like to try that giant taco pizza. The rest looked pretty gross but that thing called to me. If I was not doing a low cal thing these days I'd be dialing up the pizza joint right now and getting taco fixings ready!

Violet Séverine said...

Oh please Doll. You're a peach. I would totally eat all of that but I would probably have serious regrets afterwards. ;)

Nikki said...

I laughed so many times while reading this. I especially like the anecdote about the spork-stabbing-trash-monster. Golden, Dollface. :)

Violet Séverine said...

Thanks Nikki. Yeah that rat-faced jerk almost got me fired. I wouldn't give him his money back. Apparently if you're too dumb to get your food from your plastic tray to your toothless mouth, everything should be free. Remember that. ;)

Nikki said...

Do you think it would work if I just black-out my teef and act "special"? I really like free food! ;)

Violet Séverine said...

You never know until you try. Just make sure you video tape it. ;)