Thursday, April 24, 2014

Fried Rice is Twice as Nice as Regular Rice.


I don't know about you but I always have leftover rice in my fridge. I love rice. Sometimes I'll just make a simple gravy or sauce and throw it over a microwaved bowl of leftover rice and top it with a fried egg. I hate brown rice though. Never liked it. No, I'm not a racist. I just hate the flavor and texture and existence of brown rice. You gots to mill that coat off. It's like eating a banana with the peel on. Ick. My favorite rices are jasmine, basmati, sticky, calrose, and good ole plain whitey white long grain rice. Although never buy that pre-boiled crap that smiley Uncle Ben tries to pass off as rice. Mushy maggots. That's what I think of when I eat minute rice.

Wanna make perfect rice? Of course you do. Here's how you do. In a pot cover the rice with running cold water and scrub with clean hands until the water gets cloudy. Drain in a colander. Repeat 3-4 times until the water is not longer cloudy. In a heavy bottomed pot with a tight fitting lid cover the rice by 1/2" with cold water. Place on stove over high heat. Add salt if you like. Bring to a boil. Cover and turn heat to very low. Leave it alone for 17 minutes. Remove from heat and fluff with a fork. That's it. You are now one with the rice gods.

So I had some leftover calrose rice the other day and decided to make South-East Asian style fried rice. I sauteed up some celery, scallions, garlic, and ginger in peanut oil. Then I added some sliced lap cheong (spicy sweet Chinese sausage) and cooked until the fat was rendered out. Tossed in the rice. Added soy sauce, chili garlic sambal, fish sauce, lime, sesame oil, and black palm vinegar. Cooked for a few more minutes and dumped it in a bowl. Topped it off with sliced avocado, pickled egg, scallions, and cilantro. It was freaking delicious and pretty easy. So the next time you have leftover rice, don't just let it sit there and make your fridge seem sad. My mother used to say "There are people starving in China." when we were kids and didn't clean our plates (although I pretty much always cleaned my plate and the plates of those around me). To which I would reply "Even though they have all that rice?". I didn't know any better. Anyways, there are people starving everywhere so use up your leftovers. Be creative. Don't be a lazy wasteful jerk. You can make delicious things out of almost everything that's slowly rotting in your fridge! Yum! xoxox

Thursday, April 10, 2014

All Aboard The Gravy Boat!


I love ugly food. Beige plates of beige food swimming in beige gravy. That's my jam. Comfort food rarely looks pretty. Even after you put a sprig of parsley on top it usually still looks like crap, just a little fancier. You know the saying "Never read a book by it's cover". Well, I never judge a plate of ugly food until I know what's hiding under the gravy. A bunch of the "chefs" on television turn their noses up at comfort food. "Oh wow, that sure looks comforting." they say fully meaning "What the hell is this pile of unsophisticated shit doing in my presence. I only eat farro and monkfish fermented with lemur urine presented in a hollowed out coconut." I hate those people. Yeah, I like fancy food too but I'm no snob. I'll happily eat a funeral casserole any day of the week.

But Violet, gravy is fattening you say. Yeah, it is. I'm not telling you to drink gravy for every meal. Use some common sense. Learn how to find balance in your damn life. Drank a boat of gravy for breakfast? Eat a salad for dinner. Easy peasy. I can't hold your hand your whole life. Life's too short to never eat anything fattening. You can diet when you're dead. Okay, maybe you're dead because you ate nothing but gravy your whole short life but who's fault is that? Like I said, common sense.

Everyone has their own version of a sandwich that is open-faced and dosed with some form of gravy. In Kentucky it's the Hot Brown. In St. Louis it's the Prosperity Sandwich. France has the Croque-Madame. When I was young my dad taught me a sandwich from his Marines/Nam days called Shit on a Shingle which is essentially chipped beef on toast covered in gravy. I was so obsessed with it I wanted it for every meal. However, my mother did not share my excitement so it was a rare treat when my dad would cook for me and my brother. I would yell "shit on a shingle!" and my dreams were often made true.


Here's my version of an open-faced turkey sandwich, hot brown, prosperity sandwich, croque-madame, and shit on a shingle all rolled up into one sandwich.

To make it. Layer these things in order on the plate. Eat. Be happy.
white toast
sliced Cajun turkey
Swiss cheese
brown gravy (1Tbsp butter + 1 Tbsp flour in a hot pan. Make a roux. Cook 3 minutes. Slowly add 2 cups beef stock. Add salt, lots of fresh pepper. hot sauce. Cook until gravy)
fried egg
parsley (for pretty)

xoxo